FUNNY ARTICLE ABOUT SEX

I'm shocked by the number of times I've heard women choosing 'sense of humour' as the top quality they'd want in the man of their dreams, over qualities that seem fairly obvious - beautiful face, beautiful body, not Chetan Bhagat, and so on. I say 'shocked', because from first-hand experience, I can assure you, they are lying.

I caught on earlier in the day, that 'love at first sight' happens only if you look like Hrithik Roshan, or if you are standing really, really far away from the girl and if, well, the girl likes falling in love with people who are standing really, really far away. Unfortunately, I don't look like Hrithik, and even more unfortunately, I'm usually invisible from really, really far away too, so I realized that 'love at first sight's' not going to work for me. That's when I decided to entice women using my superpower of 'Knock knock' jokes.

But that was in vain too. I spent an entire childhood trying to make girls laugh at my jokes but failed miserably… because, let's face it, the joke kind-of dies at 'Knock Knock?' 'Get lost, loser!'. But I didn't give up. I had to try and get girls to relate 'funny' with my personality, and not just my looks. So I'd prepare jokes at home, memorize them in my superhero brain, and then, during an ongoing conversation with a hot girl, try and intelligently, shrewdly and carefully take the conversation in the direction of the topic I had a joke prepared on. Something like this:

Me: Hey, hot girl.

Hot girl: *Puke*

Me: Oh, speaking of which, did you hear this joke about racism, religion, chauvinism, ugly people and anything else that would be sure to offend you in general?

Hot girl: *Complains to teacher*

What women want. NOT.

It took me more failures than Uday Chopra to understand that being called 'funny' by a girl, is No 4 on the list of things girls call guys whom they will never sleep with, after 'Bhaiyya', 'Nice person' and 'Engineer' (All of which I soon ended up becoming TOGETHER, by the way). Here's a fact: I was reading a magazine's 'Most Desirable Men' list (I had bought the magazine because of the bikini girl on its cover and NOT because of this list, I swear)… and guess what I found on it? Names of allll 5-6 and above-pack guys. Guess who I DIDN'T find on it? Johnny Lever. VJ Jose. Archana Puran Singh. Navjot Singh Siddhu

Seriously, even if you take the most not good looking guys who have something else going for them (good body, good relatives, good profession) and compare them with the funniest guys with similar perks, the results are obvious:

Abhishek Bachchan – Not funny. Is married to AISHWARYA RAI.

Vs

Govinda – Very funny. Not married to Aishwarya Rai.

Harman Baweja – Not funny. Dated PRIYANKA CHOPRA.

Vs

Navjot Singh Siddhu – Very funny. Came close to dating Shekhar Suman.

Emraan Hashmi – Not funny. Kissed MANY HOT GIRLS.

Vs

Ritesh Deshmukh – Very funny. Was offered Dostana.

And that's the truth of the matter, people. Let's not lie to the world and admit it once and for all - Funny guys in males are the equivalent of bhartiya naris in females. Everyone wants to marry them, but no one wants to have sex with them.

Sigh.

MY APPOINTMENTS WITH GOD!!!

Here it goes:-

ME: Oh mighty God!!! Please give me a seat in the IITs.

WHAT GOD HEARD: “Blah blah blah….”

GOD: You bloody moron!!! Finally you came to me…now take NITC and get lost…

(pure revenge for not offering regular prayers)

ME: Ok... :-( …give me Mech.

WHAT GOD HEARD: “Give me something that I’ll absolutely loath.”

GOD: Take Chem n get lost.

For 2yrs I forgot God and worked my ass off.

And then someday…

ME: Wassup god!!!

WHAT GOD HEARD: “Namastey sir ji…sab badhiya…”

GOD: Hey, you have changed a lot…:-)…tell me what do you want now…

ME: INTERNSHIP!!!

WHAT GOD HEARD: “It high time you give me something good.”

GOD: Take IIMs.

ME: :-)...you must be kidding...

WHAT GOD HEARD: “Thanks a lot…”

GOD: Now get lost and go get a life kid…

Ah, I’m in final year now. Time for an appointment with GOD.

ME: Namastey God ji.

WHAT GOD HEARD: “Namastey God ji.”

GOD: Now what?

ME: Placements.

WHAT GOD HEARD: “Gimme some sun shine, gimme some rain!!!”

GOD: Son!!! You will get what you deserve. You have to wait for all the good things in life.

ME: Blah blah blah…

Yipee!!! Got ZS Associates!!!

ME: Thanks a lot God.

WHAT GOD HEARD: “I’ve realized that you have to wait for all the good things in life.”

GOD: :-)… Enjoy and don’t stop here, keep working hard…:-)

So,it all ends here???

Hello, I'm back. I have been away from the scene for several months now. Well, I’ve been a bit too busy lately with placements and exams. Last few months were pretty hectic but also pretty happening (afterall I got placed :D).

Anyway, I'm all set to return to another semester of college. “Finally in final semester”, after many many semesters. Definitely I’m happy that I won’t have to do anything even remotely related to Chemical Engineering for the rest of my life (hopefully), still there is this feeling of nostalgia.

The absence of some of the people I have lived with and enjoyed so much of the last four years will leave a huge void, but it got me thinking. The only thing that is 'permanent' is 'change'. Quite a cliched paradox, but very much true nevertheless. People will come into our lives, do wonderful things, enlighten us, spend some of the most memorable moments and then go away, never to meet again. Lord Alfred Tennyson said it with respect to a brook, but it is equally true for us humans.

“Men may come and men may go, but I go on forever” (till I die of course).

Of course, the advent of technology (read Twitter and Facebook and Orkut) means I will still know that person A had 'Pizza @ Dominos' today and that he's now in a relationship with B and that B had gone shopping today and that 67 people like this fact. But, who really cares about what 'A' ate and what 'B' bought, especially when you are miles apart. Evidently, the only interesting thing that you get to know through these networking sites is who is now “in a relationship” with whom and who just broke up and is single again and is possibly on the lookout for a prospective mate. But, I am digressing from the point here.

The point is that nothing you do will make those times come back (unless you invent a time machine). And you just have to learn to move on and make new friends and acquaintances. I'm not saying you forget people. By all means keep in touch. But it is no longer possible to barge into their room at any time or nick some food from their cupboard or just sit around gossiping all day long; because they are gone.

Ohhh! I’m gonna miss everyone so much.

A soap opera called "Indian Cricket": The Pilot (Episode One)

So, another season of IPL ended successfully with its share of excitement, joy, sorrow, disappointment and of course controversies. IPL is probably the latest episode of India’s longest running soap opera which is cricket. Cricket has got everything that you want in a normal soap opera; it has got love, joy, happiness, sadness, tears, laughter, lots of deceit, intrigue and like all good soaps it jumps twenty years when the audiences’ interests change. And that’s exactly what cricket has done; jumped twenty years into a 20 over game.

But cricket wasn’t always like this speed driven generation’s game. There was a time when people used to play timeless test matches. You played on till the game got over. There was that game on March 1939 that started on the 3rd of March and ended on the 14th of March. And it only ended because the English cricketers had to go from Durban to Cape Town which is a two hour train journey to catch the ship that was on the 17th because next ship wasn’t around for a long time. So the match ended in between and one of the English batsmen said, ”you know what, another haaaalf an hour and we would have won ”. ANOTHER HALF AN HOUR AFTER TWELVE DAYS!!!!! But this is probably the reason why India fell in love with cricket because we had about the same pace of life. The MAHABHARAT was like that as well. You fought by day and then it was sunset so everyone went back home. And then you worked out your strategies and you came and fought and then went back home again. The only difference between the MAHABHARAT and our cricket was that in cricket everybody was alive to come back and fight the next day. There was one other reason why India fell in love with cricket: all you need is a plank of wood and rubber ball and any number of people could play at anywhere. Take a look...

You could play on the backyard of a monastery (Monks playing cricket on their day off at Sera Mey.... )

Or on the road...



Or on the banks of the Ganga...



Or you could play many games in a small patch of land even if you don’t which game you are in...

But slowly the game moved on and we started playing 50 over cricket. And then an enormous accident took place. In Indian sports we don’t make things happen, accidents happen and we are at the right place at right time, sometimes. After winning the 1983 World Cup, we suddenly fell in love with the 50 over game and started playing it virtually every day (India played most no. of matches during that period). Another big incident took place during 1991-92. We found a Prime-Minister and a Finance Minister willing to let the world look at India from a whole new perspective by cutting the customs duty, reducing the imports duty. As a result we got all the multi-nationals who got very excited about India and the business opportunity lying here. Pepsi was one such company that came up with a big revolution as they started taking cricket all over the world. So cricket started becoming big, bringing riches in and most importantly televisions started covering cricket which were till that point reluctant to cover cricket unless the board or the sponsors paid them (apparently Sony Entertainment got the telecast rights of the IPL for a whopping $ 1.63 billion, a bit of an exponential rise).

And just when everything was going smooth a big accident occurred, AGAIN. England invented 20 over cricket and thankfully for all of us, the English are very good at inventing things and the gracious people they are, they let the world be very good at it. Finally a T20 WC was arranged which India didn’t want to play and was forced to play by an 8-1 margin. Dramatically India went to the finals and this happened...

Suddenly India discovered the power of the 20 over cricket and realized they could be good at this game. England invented T20and allowed India to hijack it and it wasn’t like re-engineering, we just took it straight away. And the six week, city based glitzy league happened. And all of a sudden the organised Indian cricket was promoted which was never done before. It was a new India that was buying Corus, buying Jaguars, adding more mobile users than New-Zealand’s population twice over. It was a different India but also a slightly orthodox India that was happy to be modern but didn’t want to say that and so they were aghast when the cheerleaders arrived. Everyone secretly watched them but everybody claimed not to.

IPL had $2.3 billion before a ball was bowled and that has to one of the most stupid investments made in the history. And the people who invested were some who ran serious companies; they started promoting cricket big time and also themselves.

We will see how IPL changed the way we looked at cricket in the next episode...stay tuned....

Sneak preview of next episode: India finally started thinking BIG, Dollar is quite powerful, A hug for playing well...

ps: I started writing this on 27th April and posting today. I wonder what I'm doing these days!!!

IMAGINING CHANGE

You don’t write because you want to say something. You write because you have something to say! Well, I have something to say and on this fine day, I gave it a thought. When was the world’s first college started? “Many centuries ago!”, retorted my intuition. The world has undergone a sea change in technology thanks to the internet. But centuries passed and has our college system went through any path-breaking change? Well, students now got stylish wearing trendy jeans and flaunting sleek and advanced mobile phones. That’s the only major change!

I didn’t remember the last time I followed a class strictly as for me, the lectures are completely old-fashioned; they are outdated. Lectures are invented before there was internet and TV and universities have just been reluctant at changing the way lectures are being delivered and so is our college.

Imagine a huge LCD screen along side our black board and lectures of some of the best lecturers collected via internet are being played to assist routine, boring lectures! Not only it creates enthusiasm among students but also it could be highly informative.What if our bizarrely catalogued library is transformed into an internet-based one with pcs preloaded with loads of e-books and technological videos? I believe that videos of things happening teach more than a writing of what would happen!

Robots are rarely seen in India. Our college is an exception! “Come to college; pretend to be listening to classes (people call it “acting”), swallow your lunch, and continue acting again till you listen the ringing bell and then go back home.” This is what that has been programmed in our brain’s memory chip. We are nothing different from robots. I feel we need a bit more of social interaction. A healthy interaction among young and budding engineers and with the faculties should take place and it in turn will make us feel more like humans rather than robots. For an orthodox person, this imagination may seem absurd. Yet, man’s appetite for improvisation is like a drug-addict’s wait for his next fix! I’m not an exception. College days are always fun, but we need to do classrooms and lectures fun too!

STOCK MARKET!!!!

Stock market is pretty much complicated for almost everyone unless of course you are Warren Buffet. But what I think it's pretty much simpler. Here is my take on the "STOCK" market...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs. 10/-. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at Rs. 10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs. 20/-. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs. 25/- and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs. 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs. 35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs. 50."

The villagers squeezed up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!!!

Welcome to the "Stock" Market!!!!!

A LOVER AND A WIFE....

I had read this one sometime back... Hope its enjoyable...

Once a young man had a confusion about Lover and Wife. How does one decide if a girl is suited for him to be a wife.. He had heard about a wise sage who had come to his village. So he decided to go to him and place his query. When he told the sage his query, the sage told him to go to the nearest wheat field, and get the biggest wheat grain he can get from the field in half an hour.

The man went to the field started his search for the biggest wheat grain. He found one but as soon as he went some more distance,he saw another grain which looked more bigger than the one he had. He discarded the one he had taken and then took the other grain. He went ahead and found another big one.. He took the big one and continued his search. After sometime, he got a doubt, if the grain he had in his hand was the biggest or the one he had got the first was the biggest.

This went on for sometime , and the alloted 30 minute time got over. He went back to the sage and gave the grain which he had.. The sage asked him, "Is this the biggest grain which was present in the field". The man was quite sure that he might have thrown away the biggest grain. So he replied "No , Wise sage, i might have missed the biggest grain".

The Sage told him not to worry, and this time told him to go and collect the biggest grain with the same half an hour duration. This time the man went to the field, looked for some time , saw a grain which looked the biggest and then came back to the sage. The sage asked him. "If the grain he had was the biggest". The man replied he was sure that this was the biggest grain".

The sage said to him "You have got the answer to your question.You look at a girl and feel that she looks great. You become her lover... Then you find another girl who you feel is more suited for you and then you go for her... In case of wife, you find a girl who you think is the best girl available and live with the assumption that she is best for you too...".

LIVE TO EXPRESS NOT TO IMPRESS!!!

Literatively speaking, the difference between 'Express' and 'Impress' is the first 2 letters. But its impact in our life is much beyond our imagination. Its a sad thing to note that most of us are tuned to focus on Impressing rather than Expressing. We have come to believe sub-consciously that outward appearances counts much more coz,the appearance is the first thing we see when we look at someone. So we move around in Best dresses, and fake big smiles(not always), hoping to make a good Impression, leaving our inner selves to isolation. So how does this Express and Impress come to matter..

I am not wise enough to give opinions on what is what, but this is ma understanding of Express and Impress. When we say we are expressing, whatever we are doing, we are doing by being our self. In contrast, When we want to Impress someone, our focus is more on imitating something/someone in order to influence others. In the process, we lose of what we are. Bruce Lee had said once about people imitating the big stars, that when we imitate someone, what we are doing is to imitate the outward appearance forgetting that there is a basis to that person's greatness and we cant achieve that greatness by imitating.

One of the things which the great scholars have said is that the interesting relation between Expressing and Imitating is that as one starts expressing himself , he/she will advertently end up impressing others. As Jim Rohn says,

“It's easy to let life deteriorate into making a living instead of making a life. It's not the hours you put in, but what you out into the hours that count. Learn to express rather than impress. Expressing evokes a me too'' attitude while impressing evokes a ''so what" attitude.”


To be frank, I am myself in the process of discovering how to express myself truly. Yet I hope that as one starts Expressing one self, the adage "The First impression is the Best Impression" will in turn lead to another on these lines- "Your True Expression will be the Best Impression".

I CAN'T HELP LOVING YOU...

I can’t help loving you,

Your harsh tone doesn’t deter me

May be I’m not quite like the one you dreamt of,

But nevertheless,I can’t help loving you.

Sometimes you shower me with

all affection and care,

And sometimes its pure seething anger I receive.

With reason of course.

The look in your eyes speaks of

immeasurable,fathomless love

That you want to bestow on me

Throughout my life and after.

I dared to dream because you

Reposed your faith in me.

You made me feel special.

Not only did you give me birth

But also a life.

Its all your doing Mom,

Its your life that I’m living today.